Persistence/Endurance-Week 13

Recognizing that I am a part of the whole is a simple exercise when my mind is peaceful and I can feel the flow. However, when I am moving through my life and I encounter the material challenges and the corresponding belief that there is not enough and therefore I am not enough; the reality of my disconnection is painfully clear. The Christmas season, for most of my adult life, has been a time when I feel inadequate. In order to make everything appear as though I am fine and life is good, I usually pull a rabbit out of the cash machine hat and do financial harm to myself in the name of not giving my loved ones less. So, needless to say, the timing of this weeks lesson is synchronistic. How do I believe and keep faith when my bank account has dwindled and my generosity of spirit is met with low returns? How do I break out of these deeply rooted patterns of belief? My dream board feels like a dream, not a potential future. Repeating the words, reading Og, my shapes and colors…they all feel like a game right now.  I do not expect the channels I enrich to be the source, but I put a lot of time and energy into those channels. They are what is currently available to me and I’m tired and I earnestly want more for myself and my children. There was a time when I leaned into this principal with an open heart. I firmly believed that there was a way and I would find it. Then I lived through the most difficult season of my life and the way that revealed itself was to lose everything and accumulate debt and have to rely on my family to put a roof over our heads. Operator error? Apparently. I realize a lot of people use this space to offer positive encouragement or document how great their experience is and I hope that is what this space becomes for me, but I am nothing if not authentic and this is what I think and how I feel tonight. I truly hope I “come to an understanding of the beauty, the grandeur, the transcendental opportunities” placed at my disposal, but until then I will be the bull that keeps auditioning for it’s execution. I will persist.

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2 thoughts on “Persistence/Endurance-Week 13

  1. Heartfelt sharing! My heart goes out to you. Can we trust the process when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel? I experienced a bankruptcy during the last downturn, which shocked me to the core. Now I have more abundance than ever, I my subby keeps telling me “Why bother with this course?” We both got involved because we wanted more: let’s practice what this month’s chapter teaches on persistence; it has always worked out for me eventually over 50 years in the world of work. Keep the faith!
    Also, what is the alternative?

    Like

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