I’ve lived in my imagination most of my life. As a child, daydreaming and imaginative play were my life. As I grew older, living vicariously through the characters in novels was my obsession. I could feel and experience life in any time or place in the universe through written words. The bigger the book or the longer the series, the better! The visualization exercise for this week is child’s play for me. I see it. Plain as day.
The challenge has always been the connection. I haven’t been able to complete the circuit. Yet.
Creative projects, digging in deep to a design project. These things bring me closer. They energize me and inspire me to create more. Yoga and sex create opportunities for integration of body, mind, and spirit. They fortify me and help me to deepen my connection to life.
I think in terms of color and movement and feeling. Vibrations. Light. Shadow. When I need to communicate my feelings, I have to translate the color and images into words and they fall flat out of my mouth. Logic looks like structures, outlines, sequences, patterns. When I begin a project, I have to go all the way to the beginning of the sequence. I need to build or rebuild the foundation and then set all the dominoes in their place. When my heart is heavy, thinking through a problem becomes nauseating. Navigating life is sometimes overwhelming to me. The old patterns are strong, retreat has always been my response to distress. When I retreat, I reject connection. This is the essential struggle for me.
Harmony. Living in harmony. Leaning in when I’m distressed. Lean into what? Whom? I feel like I’ve run the gamut on that one and come up empty-handed. I’m reading the keys. Translating them into sequences, patterns, vibrations. What does it feel like to live these words. What does it look like to be in harmony? What does it mean to be heart-broken or disappointed and still be confident in your expectations?
The parable of the two wolves is rarely told in its entirety. When the elder answers the child’s question about which wolf survives, the common end to the story is “the one you feed.” The end that is rarely told and resonates with me is. You must feed both wolves. If we don’t learn how to love and care for (feed) our shadow selves, the dark wolf will grow hungry and desperate. We must love the darkness for it shows us the stars.
I continue to sit. To exercise. I’m practicing the law of relaxation. I can’t yet imagine how my future self-will integrate adversity and continue to thrive, but I believe it is possible and the answers will come as I continue to focus. Growing intuitively towards the light. Earnest desire, confident expectation, and firm demand.