Week 10-Visualize

I’ve lived in my imagination most of my life.  As a child, daydreaming and imaginative play were my life.  As I grew older, living vicariously through the characters in novels was my obsession.  I could feel and experience life in any time or place in the universe through written words.  The bigger the book or the longer the series, the better!  The visualization exercise for this week is child’s play for me.  I see it.  Plain as day.

The challenge has always been the connection.  I haven’t been able to complete the circuit.  Yet.

Creative projects, digging in deep to a design project.   These things bring me closer.  They energize me and inspire me to create more.  Yoga and sex create opportunities for integration of body, mind, and spirit. They fortify me and help me to deepen my connection to life.

I think in terms of color and movement and feeling.  Vibrations. Light. Shadow.  When I need to communicate my feelings, I have to translate the color and images into words and they fall flat out of my mouth.  Logic looks like structures, outlines, sequences, patterns.  When I begin a project, I have to go all the way to the beginning of the sequence.  I need to build or rebuild the foundation and then set all the dominoes in their place. When my heart is heavy, thinking through a problem becomes nauseating. Navigating life is sometimes overwhelming to me.  The old patterns are strong, retreat has always been my response to distress. When I retreat, I reject connection. This is the essential struggle for me.

Harmony. Living in harmony. Leaning in when I’m distressed.  Lean into what? Whom? I feel like I’ve run the gamut on that one and come up empty-handed. I’m reading the keys.  Translating them into sequences, patterns, vibrations.  What does it feel like to live these words. What does it look like to be in harmony?  What does it mean to be heart-broken or disappointed and still be confident in your expectations?

The parable of the two wolves is rarely told in its entirety.  When the elder answers the child’s question about which wolf survives, the common end to the story is “the one you feed.”  The end that is rarely told and resonates with me is.  You must feed both wolves.  If we don’t learn how to love and care for (feed) our shadow selves, the dark wolf will grow hungry and desperate.  We must love the darkness for it shows us the stars.

I continue to sit.  To exercise. I’m practicing the law of relaxation.  I can’t yet imagine how my future self-will integrate adversity and continue to thrive, but I believe it is possible and the answers will come as I continue to focus. Growing intuitively towards the light. Earnest desire, confident expectation, and firm demand.

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Week 9- Just Imagine…

This week my mental diet created some major cravings for mean and nasty thoughts.  Life has a plentiful supply of challenges for me to show me exactly how toxic my mind is.  Old resentments, that I didn’t think I gave much attention to, have been a constant under the surface poisoning my mind like a slow underground leak of toxic chemicals into an aquifer.  I’ve given it thought, brought my mental awareness to it.  I visualized letting the hate out of my veins.  There is an endless supply, it doesn’t run out.  That’s how darkness works.  It’s voracious.

“I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy.”

I want to experience the connection.  There are moments of real happiness that are beginning to knit together into a better life.  My focus is getting stronger.  I’m not interested in situations that won’t bring me closer to truth.  I hear the discord in the words that aren’t grounded in truth.  Like a roller coaster pulling so hard to reach the apex, I feel closer and closer to the tipping point.  I’m nervous and excited for the rest of the wild ride.

Week 8-No Trespassers

My love for procrastination is dying a fast and uneventful death.  It’s just gone.  I’m still making choices about how I want to spend my time, but I skip right over the resistance and the mental anguish.  Without giving it thought, the thing is done.  Television hasn’t been a big time consumer for me for awhile.  I work evenings or I’m supporting my children at their activities.  There are a few shows that I really like to watch, but I can set them aside for sick days or snow days.  An occasional movie with my love is a nice way to spend the evening together after a busy Saturday at work.  I’m careful about who and what I give my time to.  I had a meltdown/tantrum a month ago, because I wasn’t taking responsibility for myself and managing my time and energy.  Since then, I’ve brought more awareness to my boundaries.  The only person I’m really willing to go the extra mile for is myself.  I give lovingly and authentically to others, but I need the extra right now.  I’m thriving on it.  I’m not closed off to new connections, but I’m “keeping the door shut…to every element that seeks admittance with no definite helpful end in view.”  That is a big paradigm shift.  In the past, being loving meant being available and willing to give at a moments notice.  I had become dispirited by the deficit that had accumulated in my relationships.  I realize that not only were my actions and expectations unsustainable, but I had attracted a lot of selfish people.  My life feels full and the relationships that I invest in feel healthy.  I feel good about going to my job, because I see it for what it is and I “no longer expect reciprocity from the channels I enrich.”  I have bigger plans.  I’m entering the flow.  Everyday things are happening to confirm my path, broaden my perspective, and see more clearly.  I have more to say, but that’s enough for now.

Peace-

Jodi

Week 7-Mental Diet Challenge

In my profession, it is a big part of my job to be welcoming, friendly and positive.  I work as a hairstylist and spend the majority of my very busy days getting to know people, checking in with repeat clients, listening, offering support, and helping people to look and feel their best.  There isn’t space or time for negativity.  I work alongside a crew of smart, talented and considerate women.  There are challenging situations that come up, mostly to do with the way the business is managed, that require me to rise above my own negative judgments.  I have moments of frustration and annoyance in the rest of my life, but nothing in my day to day that especially taxes me. However, when I get in my car to drive home I allow any repressed negativity to rise to the surface.  I curse at other drivers and entertain myself with all the awful and witty things I can say to describe their inferior driving. I walk through my life with an underlying sense of entitlement and superiority and when I am “forced” to confront other peoples frustrating behavior, I take some kind of personal offense.

Gross.

There are also times in relationships where my old relational blueprint comes to the surface and I find myself reacting to negative associations and thoughts that have little or nothing to do with the present situation.  These are more challenging to reprogram for me.  The “road rage” issue feels easier to change, be aware of, practice compassion.  The relational part feels integrated into the core of who I am. Emotional reactions that are so strong and overwhelming.  Feelings triggered so unexpectedly.

I keep restarting.  Two weeks feels like a huge mountain to climb.  Like most diets, it has to be a permanent lifestyle change, not a short term effort.  All I have is the rest of my life.  I’ll keep bringing awareness to this.  Keep shining light on it.  Keep practicing.  If these two weeks stretch out over the remainder of my life, I will still be better for it.

Week 6-Focus! Focus! Focus!

The last two days have been devoted to getting all my ducks in a row.  I’ve had time off work and have been able to really get organized.  I went back through the last few weeks and filled in a few blanks.  My movie poster is done!  It’s right in front of me and I love it!  My shapes are printed and posted.  My cards are updated.  The poem is on the bathroom mirror.  I made a stab at the press version of my DMP.  It’s lacking some important details, but it exists.  My children and I are currently living with my parents and I’ve had a lack of personal space over the past three years that we’ve been here.  I created a work space in the corner of the guest room and now I have a designated space for sitting and studying.  This is life changing for me!  I feel like I truly have a handle on this now and I’m looking forward to the acceleration of these changes.  The main thing I am struggling with is the short period of time I have for each weeks MK lesson.  The Emerson essay is so full of wisdom and the keys every week are also so full.  I wish there was a true group study and discussion of the whole lesson for the week.  I’m going to attempt to be more involved in the online community, but its not the same as face to face discussion.  My boyfriend is also in this class and it’s great to talk with him and support each other in this process, but I really want more structured study.  I love this class and I really believe in what I’m doing and I’m so grateful that Mark and Davene have translated this knowledge and made it available for me.

Week 5-Yikes!

It is currently week 6.  I am trying to keep a positive attitude and focus on catching up.  Life’s challenges keep coming and there’s not enough of me or my resources to go around.  I’ve also found that my opinions are pretty precious to me.  They are placeholders and straw men.  They are what I hold dear instead of engaging my mind in creative, productive, and positive thoughts and actions.  I tend to keep my opinions to myself most of the time, but that seems to give me more license to indulge in them in the privacy of my own mind.  I recognize this ego-centric toxicity in others, but this was a good opportunity to turn the focus inward.  It’s a big adjustment.  Trying to operate from a better place.  Trying not to engage with other people who want to communicate and move through life this way.  I feel like I need a new language.

Cognitive Dissonance-Week 4

I’ve been feeling like I have a bit of a split personality this past week.  The mental voice of my old blueprint and the new thoughts and beliefs I am choosing seem engaged in a competition for my mind.  I’ve been feeling irritable and unsettled and defiant about getting my daily work done.  Apparently, I coming along right on schedule.  I really believe this is the right time to do this work and I am committed.  There have been a lot of unexpected challenges that have felt like the universe is working against me; sickness, computer issues (I’m using computer #4 on loan), timing conflicts, and not wanting to miss the last of the beautiful fall weather.   Getting a handle on my time management feels like a monumental task.  I’ve cut out any TV watching and have tried to dedicate the majority of my free time to reading and study, but the time seems to disappear and I still feel I’m barely skimming the surface of my weekly assignments.  I’m just going to keep plugging away and wait for time to do me a solid and start to open up.  I going to keep supporting the positive and healthy mental voice with my daily reading and I know this will get easier!